detached grief

this past week one of my biggest fears as a teachers was realized... i lost a student

5 students from my school were involved in a serious accident on the way to school 5 days ago, and a sweet girl i had as a sophomore and currently as a senior was killed - no one was wearing seatbelts and the driver was driving too fast

teenager stuff with adult consequences

talking to my father tonight about attending the viewing and the funeral he "reminded" me to stay detached at the funeral - that it needed to be appropriate.

i'm sort of chewing on that still - is that a good thing? of course i shouldn't become hystical - that would be hypocritical - i was not particularly close to this student, but the idea as the adult model figure to my students i should be detached - is something that makes me pause

many of the staff was concerned when i was crying at the short meeting we had to inform of us the students accident (i had already read it online)

the idea that it i needed to pull it together for the students is silly --- while i shouldn't be a blubbering idiot - for me to NOT shed a tear in front of them would be even worse. the truth is i lost it in there b/c i finally was away from the kids and could openly grieve - even then, i was holding back a bit...

I LOVE MY KIDS (aka students)- even when they are pains in the @$$es - i love them, they mean something to me and are important...

it's sad to think that culturally i am to "have it together" at an event that is meant for us to grieve...