Lil Dude

Saturday he came to us... 5 days ago... 2 yrs old

Today I got a unsolicited I love you. 

Maybe because I'm letting him use my nook to play angry birds??? 

7 YEARS

i don't know if it's just being in the depths of craziness of a new placement (more later on lil dude) or if it's time passing...

but today is my 7 year alive anniversary --- and i didn't freak out once... it's there --- but i am able to push it off... no anxiety no freaking out... just a recognition of what it is and zip = moving on...

maybe it's because i've gone through the loss of reunification on foster side???

maybe it's time finally covering the wound with a thicker scar???

crazy...

hope... for those of you who stumble onto this little blog and are in the newer stages - have it... LIVE life, continue on.... one day i pray it will be a bitter-bitter-bitter sweet memory... a pang... but the knowledge that just like harry potter's scar (forgive me we are reading it...) a scar of pain but it makes you who you are...

Innocent questions... Hard Answers

Bee's birthday is tomorrow...

Last night we were snuggling and I was talking about how 7 years ago I was waddling around super hot and couldn't wait for him to come and meet me....

I was telling him all about how his Daddy's Mommy had come to stay in town and rented a condo... that we thought he would be born and she was there for the week up to the day he was born because he was TEN DAYS LATE!!!!

Then in the most plainest facttelling voice === he asked... Is that how I broke your belly??? Because I was late???

my heart about broke...

great that we were able to have the conversation...

I have always said my belly broke AFTER he was born (careful to phrase it so that it wasn't WHEN but AFTER)...

we talked and talked... he thought he had kicked me too hard so it broke... etc etc...

I told him no baby that's not why... then he asked the question of which we have no answer... Why did it happen????

Trying to explain to him that they don't know why it happened but it wasn't because of him and that it wasn't "HIS FAULT" was so hard....

I ended up telling him it was because my body just wasn't made to have babies... etc etc...

waiting-nesting... pregnancy vs foster care

so... we've done this before so the "unknown" of foster care is not the same...

but definitely in the crazy calm weird last moments before THE CALL

THE CALL is similar to CONTRACTIONS

you think you know about when it will happen... you have a due date... but the time is flexible...

you are tempted to wait at home, but know that these may be your last moments before the storm hits...

nesting hits hard core... all of a sudden nothing is clean enough... those house projects that have been sitting around the past year and a half are of upmost importance

some differences... i'm sipping a glass of wine (but only one in case the call comes)

i have used MASSIVE amounts of bleach and other strong toxic chemicals for cleaning i wouldn't have used if preggers

i am not slowed down by big belly and swelling feet...

similar... i know my life is about to change forever... how much it will change for how long who knows....

different - no temptation to buy tons of clothes for babe --- because we have no idea the age (or gender) of child x as we have begun to jokingly refer to the newest kiddie as...

i double checked w/ our licensing agent.... placement knows...

this time our guidelines --- 1 child only --- ages birth to early 4s.

any moment....

Caught off guard

In our friends' SUV

Driving the loops of a mountain

I hear her giggles and his squeals

Bee had discovered some old videos he had taped on his iPod. 

It's been a month since we've heard anything

Less than a week until we reopen our house

Gut check on how much I still miss them and think of them as ours

Wonder how I can love and lose that much again

But I will

And through HIS grace and strength I will survive

Wistful

I catch myself looking at women with little girls in the store and I'm just wistful. I miss them, I'm glad they're home but I just wish the silliness of her. 

Respite struggles

Did respite this weekend for a set of sweet sisters. 

Had a blast with them. 

They cried when they left. Felt bad for their fmom. She called us... She is asking the social worker to move the oldest. Asked if we would do it. Ugh. 

She is out of our full time range for age. 

Feel like crap. 

Worried we did more harm than good by bonding with them this weekend.