Lil Dude

Saturday he came to us... 5 days ago... 2 yrs old

Today I got a unsolicited I love you. 

Maybe because I'm letting him use my nook to play angry birds??? 

7 YEARS

i don't know if it's just being in the depths of craziness of a new placement (more later on lil dude) or if it's time passing...

but today is my 7 year alive anniversary --- and i didn't freak out once... it's there --- but i am able to push it off... no anxiety no freaking out... just a recognition of what it is and zip = moving on...

maybe it's because i've gone through the loss of reunification on foster side???

maybe it's time finally covering the wound with a thicker scar???

crazy...

hope... for those of you who stumble onto this little blog and are in the newer stages - have it... LIVE life, continue on.... one day i pray it will be a bitter-bitter-bitter sweet memory... a pang... but the knowledge that just like harry potter's scar (forgive me we are reading it...) a scar of pain but it makes you who you are...

Innocent questions... Hard Answers

Bee's birthday is tomorrow...

Last night we were snuggling and I was talking about how 7 years ago I was waddling around super hot and couldn't wait for him to come and meet me....

I was telling him all about how his Daddy's Mommy had come to stay in town and rented a condo... that we thought he would be born and she was there for the week up to the day he was born because he was TEN DAYS LATE!!!!

Then in the most plainest facttelling voice === he asked... Is that how I broke your belly??? Because I was late???

my heart about broke...

great that we were able to have the conversation...

I have always said my belly broke AFTER he was born (careful to phrase it so that it wasn't WHEN but AFTER)...

we talked and talked... he thought he had kicked me too hard so it broke... etc etc...

I told him no baby that's not why... then he asked the question of which we have no answer... Why did it happen????

Trying to explain to him that they don't know why it happened but it wasn't because of him and that it wasn't "HIS FAULT" was so hard....

I ended up telling him it was because my body just wasn't made to have babies... etc etc...

waiting-nesting... pregnancy vs foster care

so... we've done this before so the "unknown" of foster care is not the same...

but definitely in the crazy calm weird last moments before THE CALL

THE CALL is similar to CONTRACTIONS

you think you know about when it will happen... you have a due date... but the time is flexible...

you are tempted to wait at home, but know that these may be your last moments before the storm hits...

nesting hits hard core... all of a sudden nothing is clean enough... those house projects that have been sitting around the past year and a half are of upmost importance

some differences... i'm sipping a glass of wine (but only one in case the call comes)

i have used MASSIVE amounts of bleach and other strong toxic chemicals for cleaning i wouldn't have used if preggers

i am not slowed down by big belly and swelling feet...

similar... i know my life is about to change forever... how much it will change for how long who knows....

different - no temptation to buy tons of clothes for babe --- because we have no idea the age (or gender) of child x as we have begun to jokingly refer to the newest kiddie as...

i double checked w/ our licensing agent.... placement knows...

this time our guidelines --- 1 child only --- ages birth to early 4s.

any moment....

Caught off guard

In our friends' SUV

Driving the loops of a mountain

I hear her giggles and his squeals

Bee had discovered some old videos he had taped on his iPod. 

It's been a month since we've heard anything

Less than a week until we reopen our house

Gut check on how much I still miss them and think of them as ours

Wonder how I can love and lose that much again

But I will

And through HIS grace and strength I will survive

Wistful

I catch myself looking at women with little girls in the store and I'm just wistful. I miss them, I'm glad they're home but I just wish the silliness of her. 

Respite struggles

Did respite this weekend for a set of sweet sisters. 

Had a blast with them. 

They cried when they left. Felt bad for their fmom. She called us... She is asking the social worker to move the oldest. Asked if we would do it. Ugh. 

She is out of our full time range for age. 

Feel like crap. 

Worried we did more harm than good by bonding with them this weekend. 

2 visits

Realize it's been awhile since I posted...

After thinking it was OVER, I sent a text wishing a blessed Easter, and got texted back - with pictures!

Later that week, saw the kids and three weeks later got to take Bee to see them. Back to a couple of texts every couple of weeks. 

Praying for success happy they are well. 

foster parent appreciation

Funniest thing from our districts dinner...

You can't hit, you must outwit!

when you have friends who get it...

it makes it easier...

friends who have kept it together in front of you... but who you have the feeling have lost it in the ugly cry for your babes and for you

who keep the curiosity at bay to not ask the probing questions... who immediately great the friend for the weekend as they would any new child to the crew..

who with less than 24 hours notice whips up an extra goodie bag for the birthday party you are all of a sudden bringing an additional guest too...

love my friends <3 do="" easier="" it="" make="" p="" to="" we="" what="" you="">

Wrong way

5.5 months later, I took wrong turn home. Started driving to daycare

Sigh

One of those things.

Confession

The bears now live just under an hour away

They were in process of weekend visits when I got my iPhone. I set the weather apps to include their town.

I occasionally still check to see what the weather is like.

There is a thin line between sentimental and stalking :)

hippity hoppity

prepping my big boy's basket tonight and getting a bit reminiscent...

this time last year, i was prepping 3 lil' kid baskets...

that will never be again (we will NOT do 3 again)...

missing the babies tons...

the package we sent them should have arrived today... no word...

praying they are fine...

Turning right, wishing it were left

As we drive across the state.... we pass a sign.

Turn right for in laws
Turn left for babies' town
Van turns right
I feel my heart pull left

Still no word

This Easter will be so different from last year.

over?

sent another text today (thinking MAYBE their phones had been turned off - wanted to give them the chance)

low key - hey we'll be in the neighborhood - can we come by...

still no word...

thinking it's really over... but the last time i thought that - we got to see them...

more at peace with it b/c the last time we saw my sweet babes - i soaked it in --- looked in their faces and thought that it could be it...

we got to give them christmas gifts... going to mail a small package of clothes i bought...

figure we will still send postcards occasionally...

whether or not they ever contact us - i still love them...

sigh...

My favorite kind

So we got a call for a set of brothers for the night. Older than usual, but I could tell the worker was desperate. Said yes. Cleaned house in tizzy 2 hours later they call... Found another placement that could keep them long term. That's my favorite - say yes even though I don't want to, get house straightened up like it should be anyway, be help, but still get to sleep in on my first day of spring break :)

betrayal?

i have my screen set on my phone...

it's me and her...

i can't bring myself to change the picture...

but some day there will be a new baby...

feel like it's betrayal to take her picture off

the weird things of foster care!

no word

2 weeks ago i texted...

they said we could always stop by whenever...

but now no word...

had offered to stop by this Saturday to see the babes --- maybe drop off some easter bunny gifts...

no word...

a few days later before hitting a big sale... texted for sizes...

silence...

still no word...

last time they spontaneously texted us was in january...

last picture sent... was in december...

so much for the promise we could stick around...

praying they are well... praying they remember us and our love but don't feel as if we've abandoned them...

missing them in the quiet times...

Baby for a night

Had the tiniest lil babe for 10 hours

It always amazes me how small they can be

Was reminded how sweet (and sleepless) a baby in the house can be

final pages

finally got off my hiney to finish up scrapbooks from last year...

about to upload the pictures from last month the babies were here...

so weird... hit a snag... small technical issue that will be easy to fix, at the same time i want to just "STOP FOR NOW"...

i know i need to finish it... but it'll be so final to do the last page. to write out why they will no longer be in the book. yay they went home - part of the plan... but so final...

need to finish... doesn't help that i'm sickie w/ a funk that's been rotating around our county...

wondering if the missing them will lessen once we open our home to more long term babes???? or if maybe we'll at least be too busy to miss them so actively...