i've learned

found this buried in my drafts pile... realized i never finished it... what i learned by being their momma...


in the past 16 18 months i have learned alot...

i have learned that an infant in the house is tiring even when you haven't given birth

i have learned that 3 is more than 3x's as hard

i have learned what it means to be pulled to my knees in prayer for someone i don't even like - but desperate for GOD to work in their life

i have learned that my lap (and heart) fits three squirmy children

i have learned my sweet boy can be a sweet big brother

i have learned that little girls are super sweet... and super sassy

i have learned that knowing they were leaving made every moment so sweet and sad

i have learned the fear of sweet baby learning to say momma... praying he wouldn't

i have learned the grief of having him pat my face and look into it with such trust knowing his little world was about to be rocked

i have learned to grieve publicly and privately

i have learned that few understand

i have learned that my friends and family grieve with us

i have learned rage at hearing some dismiss my big boy's grief because he really is just an "only child" - as if he was never their brother

i have learned to look at their pictures around the house and think of sweet moments... and hold to the joy... not as many tears...

i have learned to trust GOD in what he is doing...

i have learned to function without them... but miss them to the bone every day...

motivated to procrastinate

have been trying to figure out why i am so bleepin' unmotivated to finish up my scrapbook for 2012...

realize when i do...

there will be no more pictures of the bears...

it'll really be over...

gut-check

good grief i miss them...

missing them.... still

happy birthday brother bear... 6 yrs old... sweet as honey!

praying for him more than usual <3 p="p">

intentions...

intentions... good or bad... are just that...

intentions

it is action we are called to

i have had plenty of time for reflection lately in our quiet(er) house

a fresh new year as things are finally calming down (trying not to panic that all is well...)

what are my intentions this year...

to keep a cleaner home so that i can have folks just drop by

to be more purposeful with my lil' bee who is growing faster than i am ready for...

to be a more loving and patient wife...

to be a better friend to my oldest of friends and to my not-so-new friends as well...

to be intentional in my actions whatever they are... and be joyful in the results whatever they may be...

what's that sound??? oh yeah... babies!!!!

we are officially in the game again... but respite only for now...

our first respite has been typically hectic...

call (a week in advance - woohoo) for a little boy 22 mos, for 4 days - to be dropped off on thurs after daycare and picked up on Sunday after church...

then the well-greased (ha) machine creaked... in talking w/ his foster mom on the phone, she casually mentions she has a SECOND foster babe (she was confused why we weren't even asked about keeping her - i was confused too - but figured an easy re-entry would be best)

then a sputter... called on weds night... little boy has... wait for it... pink eye... (uggghhhh) foster mom caught it fast - he is medicated and won't be contagious by the time he comes to us... BUT - no daycare due to the pink eye meds not kicking in until noonish... sure - we'll take him noonish (rather than 5ish)...

sigh

then cough cough sputter... almost a stall... call thurs morn, the OTHER respite caregiver is on her way to the ER --- can we take little girl too??? just one year old... (no they aren't biological sibs)...

at this point a laughed - stopped the case worker half way through her starting to ask... looked at hubby chef and said "Guess what???" he said "Getting them both???"

yup...

***we COULD HAVE said no at each call, but as a foster mom i know what that means - that family is out of luck - either babes go to SHELTER - or they cancel their plans... their much needed break***

2 sweet little ones - sort of chill in comparison to Momma Bear - the whirling dervish of 2-3 year olds....

it has been easier than expected... house is cleaned for first time... honestly ever - it's organized clean... i have had an activity or two for them each day (yesterday swinging for hours, today homemade chalk paint that entertained little boy for a good hour or so...)

his pink eye is not pink at all - amazed that she caught it (thank the LORD).... hoping all my children are well tomorrow and we will entertain them the first half of the day with a trip to the museum...

thinking these two cute quiet children are such a temptation to dive back in head first... but i know that it will be nice to go back to the quiet again... the ability to relax, to not plan days around naps... but it has been awesome to feel the sweet baby pats on my face, the running up and digging face into my lap... the beauty of babies...

sweet relief

realize i never updated...

we saw them... saturday before christmas

we played elves for santa... hid stuff in their daddy's room (with his permission) for Christmas morning...

we spoiled them... wish we could have seen it...

i hugged and kissed and took video of baby bear running around

momma bear hugged me and literally laid on me on the couch for 10-15 minutes

at first she wasn't too sure of chef hubby... but then warmed up after opening her foofa doll.

was so glad bee could see them one more time.

he snuggled with baby bear and loved every second of it! baby bear wasn't so sure at first... after 2 months (to the day!) i think he was confused... happy... but confused...

have had some phone contact since, but i can handle it now if that was it... thinking i will send texts on birthdays... thinking if i can get agency permission - mail presents (sent from their address)?

we'll see.