a lesson that shouldn't be taught

i know racism is learned


i hate it, i've heard my younger cousins use words that make my stomach turn... but they were 10ish... young but an "older" young...

we had brother bear in the van over baby bear's bday weekend

our neighborhood is culturally diverse... and as we drove down the street there was a young black man walking on the sidewalk. he didn't look sketchy, just a guy walking in his own neighborhood... and from the back of the van i could sense brother bear's attention perking up... he said... mommy mommy... that's a... a... it's a bad word.

i said, yes brother that would be a bad word.

even though the word was never spoken it broke my heart that this young 5 year old knew that word.

then... further breaking my heart... mommy - he's a bad man.

this child does not know this man from adam, we live in an area far from his foster parents and far from his bio-family.

my answer.... "brother, you don't know that man, you don't know he's a bad man. just because he's black does not mean he is bad."

silence

"do you know white people who have made bad choices?"

brother - yes...

"just because someone makes bad choices doesn't make them bad.... and choices can be made by anyone no matter what color they are.... right?"

brother - yes mommy...

"people who have made bad choices, they can work on making better choices. we can pray for them to make good choices"

brother... can we play on the swing...

moment gone... but hopefully lesson learned...

sigh

giving myself a break

i was worried that i was grouchy... not handling everything well...

then i stopped and thought about the past year...

in ONE YEAR...

we began fostering

had our first placement reunified

accepted a placement of 2 under 2


felt the guilt of not accepting a third sibling (placement understanding - but it's there on our part)

a meningitis scare

starting a school year on an alternating block schedule (any teacher out there will know the stress of a switched schedule)

a flood...

a month in a motel (with 2 under 2 plus our own bee)

moving back in to our wrecked home (keeping an under 2 yr old out of the mess)

my sister's wedding

trip with four children to LEGOland... getting to know the big brother not in our custody

a hint at possible adoption... and almost as quickly... taken back

a tragic diagnosis of my nephew to be...

the passing of my grandfather

a reversal of a tragic diagnosis

moving into our addition (which took over a year to finish)

a sad christmas (grandfather passing just 10 days before) without the usual advent traditions

big time birth parent drama

premature birth of aforementioned nephew.... massive complications... holding our breath day by day...

more birth parent drama...

likely reunification coming up...

yup... need to cut myself some slack... pour a glass of wine and get a massage!

on all days...

found this today - just after finding out that their daddy let them down


praying that i don't have this discussion


http://lostbirdfound.typepad.com/lost-bird-found/2011/07/mama-said-thered-be-days-like-this.html

blowing it

one month...

and he blows it...

i knew it was going to happen.

he already f-in' blew it.

i want to cry

i want to scream

i want to puke

part of me wants them to give him another chance, i want him to fix it - i want him to do right...

another part of me wants them to cut him out totally - he's done - he doesn't deserve them!

mother's day card

got a mother's day card today...

from the bear's bio-mom...

tears of bittersweet joy

a year

God’s timing is so perfect.

I know my heart is mourning bubba especially hard this week.

You see… tomorrow is his birthday… he’ll be three… and two days later… the anniversary of the day he came to us.

I can’t believe it’s been a year. A long hard heart growing/crushing year.

Woke up this morning ready for another day of work… pushing hard end of school year zooming up.

Plans derailed by baby with fever.

Baby who has been sleeping for 2 hours now.

Netflix on fritz so the background noise for my cleaning is Steven Curtis Chapman’s Beauty will Rise.

This CD will open grieving wounds. Not necessary on a regular day, but today… good because it’s making me look at the effects of this past year. Salt in a wound hurts… but salt water can cleanse… and what else are the tears but salt and water…

I miss him so much right now. I just want to hug the lil’ guy, I want to KNOW he’s ok. I know GOD is in control… I just wish he could give me a peek. It is such an odd grief. Bubba is alive, I’m pretty sure with his mommy. I don’t know if he would remember me if he saw me.

This is one of those sucky things of fostering that isn’t talked about. How do you deal with the grief of a child leaving your life? It’s easy to say we should take comfort in the fact we were able to play a part of a family’s redemption and reunification. But when it’s done (somewhat) right and you open your heart and life and family… it hurts when they leave.

Right now as the tears fall and I struggle with that awful feeling of my breath being hard to catch… the thought fleets through, if this is so hard… how will I survive the bears leaving? A thought I cannot hold onto right now if I am to survive the remaining four months.

Glad to have this semi-secret place to go to… please pray for our family… and for Bubba --- wherever he is…