my child

sweet crazy boy...

so smart it's scary...

what to say when you ask about your birth...

you already have, but you don't quite get it yet...

i tell you how happy i am to have had you... that you are my gift...

momma pushed and pushed, and the doctor said they had to hurry and get you out and they cut my tummy open to get you out...

that later, there was another surgery and my tummy was broken... that no more babies will grow in momma's belly...

how old will you be when you realize what that means?

human nature will cause you to wonder, i tell you now - i love you, it's not "your fault" never have i blamed you for what has happened. i blame no one... it's how it happened. i fear that you will one day wonder, and i know that i won't be able to calm those questions in your mind...

but know this always - I LOVE YOU

As clear as mud

Lately  I feel like my brain is moving in slow motion. I try to have conversations but I feel like I'm five minutes behind all the time. Sometimes it is hard to hear, but a lot of the time I feel like it is taking me longer to connect what is being said with my thoughts as well.

I don't know if this is stress (i am a high school teacher in a public school in florida - and besides the expected stress of being a teacher ---- there are tons of legislative issues).

OR if this is fall out of mental fall out of B's birth.

This time of year is hard for me, 4 years ago I was finishing up work and getting ready for giving birth. I still can't believe it's been four years...

I tend to get tired and a bit bummed... but I fight for joy. It's a long process... but I refuse to allow my summer to be robbed of its joy this year.

Mothers' Day

Mothers' Day... like many holidays are rough for those who grieve.

I think of my dream babies that will never be. I think of my future babies that are not with me yet. I wonder... will they spend their first Momma's Day with me?

I do not understand mothers who have not fulfilled their sacred duty. Being a momma is a gift and privilege. God has granted us a life to mold and shape. To neglect, abandon or abuse that responsibility is reprehensible to me.

Next year... next year at this time we will either be newly licensed or just about to be (if all goes according to plan).

I know that Mothers Day is not only rough for those of us who mourn with loss, infertility, etc. but also for those gorgeous children who are in emergency shelters or foster care.

Today in church we heard what a gift our mothers are to us. What to say to a child whose mother has abused or abandoned them. How do they see that reflection of Christ that we are to be?????

Praying for my future babies tonight...

Surviving through Blessing

After reading a friend's blog about her struggle w/ coming to God w/ the grief of a miscarriage... I thought of a song that spoke to me following B's birth and the following loss. It's a song that I think is good for any loss.


Blessed Be Your Name.

The end gets me...

You Give and Take Away...

I don't know of any other phrase that so fully captures my experience. I still can't quite sing those words w/o choking up.

I received such a blessing through B but lost so much... I almost lost the privilege of being around to be his mother.

My Heart will Choose to Say... Blessed Be your Name.

It's not an easy choice. It's one that I have to fight to do. The dichotomy of wanting to sit at his feet like a child and be comforted, while (like a child) throw a temper tantrum and scream at the top of my lungs, IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!

Blessed be Your Name on the road marked with suffering, when there's pain in the offering...

How could this loss be an offering?

This is my constant plea, prayer and question.

If through this immediate loss, I am a better mother, a better Christian, a mother to children who would not have had a mother and father...

... does that make it worth it?...

To me that question sucks.

The children of my dreams will never be. For me to say sacrificing them is too close to saying I could have sacrificed having B.

Does it get easier?

Sometimes... there are days and weeks that it is easier, I see the good, I can rejoice in the good. There are moments that it is just as hard as those first few months of complete sorrow and grief. Those moments are shorter. I know they will never fully go away. I just remind myself... life sucks. There is a promise of something better, even though it is hard to hold onto in those darkest moments.