Lost sock

I love ruffled socks. Found one in the dryer. 2 months later.

crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreak

maybe the door hasn't slammed shut....

might see babies on saturday....

had great convo w/ biodad....

I texted

I caved. Friday watching news and having my heart break I texted. Just a short text. "Watching news. Sending kids extra hugs". No response. Why are they shutting us out now?????

i will not text

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slammed doors

i am not one for subtlety

i am not one to catch a hint

HE knows this

doors do not shut on opportunities they SLAM shut

if i had been in the never never land of secondary infertility i would have tons of excuses continually to ever start fostering - so, GOD slammed the door shut on my being able to birth a second child the old fashioned way....

i think we are having another door slammed...

the door to the bears....

since the random getting to see them - no texts... no pictures... i called to set up the visit - and it fell through...

praying i get to see them for a few moments the saturday before christmas so i can give the family their gifts... and to soak the sight of them in just one... more... time

praying my boy can see them again... have told them that we MIGHT get to see them but that parents could change their minds... now that i think the parents have changed their minds... my heart breaks...

i feel like they have just left all over again... but i can't shake it...

the grief is physical... my stomach constantly hurts... just on this side of nauseous for the past 48 hours since the thought of this door being slammed came to me...

i know that this will be what we need to eventually move forward and make room in our lives and hearts for new children...

but for now... i grieve the loss of the relationship i had so hoped for

Bummed

Hopes were high for a gathering this weekend and as tomorrow gets closer and I hear nothing my hopes sink. Good thing I never told bee. But he keeps asking when he can see baby bear :(

Missing them

On our way to community group we drove by the babies daycare. First time since they left. Just a few tears, missing them more than usual.